Are you tired off the dynamic between you and your man? Do you work to earn his love—doing things for him (planning all your dates, calling him to “help” with problems, cooking him elaborate meals, etc.) or giving him gifts (money for his bills, letting him live with you free of charge, buying him clothes or expensive trinkets)? Let me tell you now that these things won’t make him love you.
Any couple that has a successful relationship will tell you that KEEPING a relationship takes invested work; however, EARNING the love of a man is not the kind of work you should EVER be invested in.
To elaborate, let me start with a little interactive fable.
Say a little elf shows up on your doorstep one morning, knocking on the door and calling your name to come outside. Imagine you open the door and look down, only to find him standing there, adorable as can be, holding a beautiful diamond necklace in his little pudgy hands.
Imagine, then, that he holds the necklace out, offering it to you. You may be hesitant to take it, wondering why he is giving you such a gift and even thinking that it’s a trick or a manipulation. But he assures you that he’s only giving it to you because he thinks you’re special and wants you to have it. You would probably take it, right? I would.
Now, say he comes back the next day, this time dragging a mop and a broom. He tells you he wants to come in and clean your house, free of charge. Would you let him? Maybe, if he seems trustworthy and if you have some time to burn so you can supervise him in your house.
Imagine he comes back EVERY morning for two weeks, bringing different gifts and offering different services. Imagine you begin to really appreciate him, trust him, and enjoy having him and his acts of love around you.
Now let’s imagine that one morning after he’s been working hard buffing your dirty floors, he asks for a backrub. You look at his bony back covered in warty elf skin and you decide it’s something you’d rather not do. So you say no.
Imagine he looks up at you with his sad little beady eyes and begins to cry, telling you that he’s worked so hard for you for weeks and can’t believe you would be selfish enough to deny him what he needs. You explain that you don’t want to give him the backrub, and he gets increasingly angrier and more desperate. Say, even, that he starts screaming at you.
You start to feel angry too, because he’s asking something of you that you are unwilling to provide. You eventually kick him out of your home, possibly even feeling guilty. After all, he was right in a way—he did do all those nice things for you.
Now…
Imagine he comes around the next morning with a smile and another necklace. You warily open the door, most likely because you feel bad, and he offers up the necklace, pretending nothing happened the day before.
You refuse the necklace and close the door on him.
“Earning a man’s love is about standing still and calm, opening your heart to invite him closer, and remaining emotionally available to RECEIVE his company and love.”
How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel like you owed it to the elf to rub his back? Even if you had been polite and generous enough to rub his back once, you probably would have stopped opening the door for him in the future, because you’d realize his efforts weren’t really “free.”
Well, you can probably see where I’m going with this story. If a man isn’t interested in and attracted to you (if he doesn’t care to “rub your back”), it doesn’t matter how hard you try to win him over.
He may take your gifts of love, and he may even begin to come to rely on you and your good deeds in his life, but that doesn’t mean he is going to feel “in love” with you or find you attractive. It also doesn’t mean he’s not going to leave you when he finds another woman who drives him crazy with love and lust.
What if he only wants you around when you are offering him something? And what if, when you need something like a backrub from him, he secretly cringes inside? Would that feel good?
It becomes about him and HIS needs and HIS happiness. What about your own needs and happiness? I mean, can you blame the poor elf in the story for having an emotional outburst over a denied backrub? Yes, he presented all his gifts free of charge, but it must have hurt when you refused him a little attention, especially after all that work.
At the same time, you can’t blame yourself for refusing, because he did, in fact, OFFER his gifts and services. The same goes for a man—you can’t blame a man for not wanting to commit to you or not loving you. He may be too greedy for his britches, but that doesn’t make him a liar or a bad person for not wanting to be with you forever.
Plus, when you make a man’s happiness the center of your purpose for living, you stop worrying about your health. You may tell yourself and others that you are happiest when he is happy, that doing for him is all you need to feel content, but regardless of the loving feelings racing through your heart, you still have needs: you still have an “aching back.” And what if he’s not 100% there, willing, and eager to rub it?!
Think twice before you start working to earn your way into a man’s life. If he isn’t feeling enough passion towillingly and eagerly give you the key to his heart, he could technically shut the door on your sad little elfin face at any moment.
The REAL key to a man’s heart lies in his attraction for you, and that’s not something you will ever earn through good deeds and expensive gifts. It lies in chemistry and in emotional connection. He needs to feel that you are a safe place for him to reveal his vulnerability, and that’s not something you earn by doing anything.
Earning a man’s love is about standing still and calm, opening your heart to invite him closer, and remaining emotionally available to RECEIVE his company and love. The way into a man’s heart is to SIT ON YOUR HANDS and let HIM be the elf in your relationship.
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I think this is an excellent metaphor. I know especially when I was younger, I never thought of something like that. I always thought that if I was happy to do something for a person, they would automatically be happy to do it for me. That everyone operated on “Do Unto Others…” Unfortunately, they don’t. I am always learning about love.