In Part One of this article, I explained that there are quite a few possible reasons for why a man starts refusing sex with his woman. Most of these reasons are not within our female powers to control and fix—reasons like he is gay or he is a sex addict who can only have sex with women who he doesn’t feel an emotional connection with, etc. However, don’t let the thought of those reasons get you down just yet!
See, there are many men who refuse to make love because they are feeling emotionally disconnected from their ladies. And this is definitely something you have influence over. Oh yes. Building a strong heart-connection with a man can make him stand up to the problem in the bedroom… literally. It can make him feel happy and comfortable being sexual with you and completely desirous of your body and sex.
One of things I mentioned to do in the previous article was to improve communication in the relationship. Communicating with your man about all your feelings (positive and negative) surrounding a touchy issue is so important. This is especially important because men are not the best at communicating their feelings to others.
We women should feel empowered as the love guides in our relationships and guide our men to honest, open, vulnerable dialogues that can lead to a closer bond, not to mention positive solutions to problems within the relationship.
Here’s an example of one way you can speak with your man about your feelings surrounding your sexual issues in the relationship. This way invites his honesty while deepening his love for you:
When you feel ready, take your man aside one night before bed, when you both are sharing a leisurely moment together, and touch him lovingly. Then say to him something like this: (You can even write it down and read from the page in his presence. He won’t care. Let your voice be young, vulnerable, nervous, and hopeful. Let the goal of your words be surrender.)
“I want to tell you how much I love and respect you and our love. You are a wonderful man who gives me so many gifts every day. You text me throughout the day to let me know you love me, and you never deny me money when I need it. I feel so strongly about you and us that I need to tell you that I feel HURT and REJECTED inside. When the man I love doesn’t want to make love with me I feel so awful, so broken and so scared. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.“
Then, allow him, as your man, to comfort you, and if he doesn’t, that’s okay! Just feel the awkwardness between you both, without acting on it, and simply wait for him to speak because five things happened in this speech:
1. You touched him lovingly enough to develop a connection and to lean on him, which shows trust.
2. You validated your feelings for him to invite connection.
3. You validated his feelings for you (through mentioning his loving gestures), which showed him you value him.
4. You revealed your truth to him in order to develop a heart-connection based in honesty and trust.
5. You surrendered to his comfort or to the awkwardness of the moment without forcing him to act.
Whatever comes out of his mouth at this point is not as important as following through with this speech and opening the door to a loving, trusting conversation. Developing a safe, honest, emotion-based communication system will happen from dialogues like this one, and a quality communication system is far more important right now than any promises he may or may not make to you about his sexual gifts.
Talking from our heart sets the foundation for emotional intimacy to grow and without deep emotional intimacy, any sex he does or doesn’t, promise to give you is not going to be consistent or deeply connected to love.
Now, listen up, ladies! There is one more thing I strongly recommend you try doing to help improve your man’s appetite for your sex. Ready for it? Here it is…
Build him up as a man!
A man who isn’t making love to you because of a lack of emotional intimacy is a man who feels castrated (by you or by someone else in his life). Sometimes a woman who is Superwoman (great job, beautiful, funny, kind) is a woman who a man feels doesn’t need him. And for a man to feel like a man, he has to feel needed! So…
You want to build him up by making him feel needed. I’m a firm believer in treating others (especially lovers) the way you want to be treated back; therefore, if you want your man to validate you as a woman, you need to validate him as a man. How? Make him feel like Ranger!
“And a man feels powerful in his relationship when he feels like he has the ability to deeply, authentically please you.”
Ranger is a Golden Retriever. He loves praise, but praise that isn’t earned makes Ranger lazy, depressed and down about his worth as a dog. When Ranger is praised for his hardwork, then Ranger is a happy dog that feels empowered and eager to please.
Men want to feel empowered too. That’s what they live for—the definition of being a man is all about power. And a man feels powerful in his relationship when he feels like he has the ability to deeply, authentically please you.
So…If your man isn’t sleeping with you, you aren’t going to get a chance to show him how much you adore his sex. However, you can show him how much you value him, depend on him, respect him and admire him through being, what I call, a Madame Receiver!
A Madame Receiver is a woman who never misses an opportunity to receive something from her man, and she knows how to get him eager to give more of himself so that she can continue to flex her receiving muscles as often as possible. Madame Receiver creates a symbiotic relationship between herself and her man. She needs gifts to receive and she knows how to make him happy to give.
To be a Madame Receiver, you need to be very aware of your behavior in your connection with your man. You need to take every single chance he gives you to be open to his gifts of love.
• If your man has a hilarious story from work, you are going to be happy to hear about it and let him know how charming and entertaining he is when he tells stories.
• If your man changed his tire all by himself, you are going to shower him with lustful “Ooooh“s and “Ahhhh“s, like he put a hot rod together in an hour.
• If your man drives by the market on his way home from work, you are going to call him twice a month or so to pick up milk or sugar, and then you are going to thank him with the warmest smile a damsel in distress could wear.
• If your man brushes by you in the kitchen and runs his hand (purposely) along the sway of your back, you are going to say, “MMMMMMmmm” and look at him like he is chocolate cake and you are PMS-ing.
You get the idea! Many women think this is a no brainer but I’m here to tell you that receiving is hard for women, especially for women who are not comfortable surrendering control. Receiving is about stopping whatever you are doing or dropping whatever mood you are it and opening to your man’s gestures or subtle pleas for “man validation”.
When you build up a man, he will break his back to continue receiving your praise. He will feel like King of the Jungle and you will be his Jane. A man’s job is to make us feel safe and secure through deep connection and unconditional love. Our job is to put him into the world feeling like the best man he can be!
If you are not putting him to work and letting him authentically make you feel safe, secure and unconditionally loved, then he, by default, isn’t going to feel satisfied in the relationship. You just let him do his job (by surrendering into the role of Madame Receiver) and everything will fall into place.
So basically, men are complicated as individuals and easy to understand as a collective group. When you can talk to him as an individual and invite his complexities to meet your complexities via open, honest, loving, deep dialogue you will earn his trust and love. When you treat him as a member of the simple, uncomplicated male gender who all pretty much have the hardwiring of Ranger, you will earn his devotion and desire. Having a man’s trust, love, devotion and desire equals endless passion!
Follow the tips laid out in these articles and you’ll feel empowered as a woman no matter how he responds sexually. Even if your man doesn’t turn around and start wanting sex, you will still feel like a brand spankin’ new woman. Why? You will be behaving, possibly for the first time in your life, like a female goddess who feels self-loving, open, honest, and truly feminine!
Inspire His Love for You program (ways to speak with your man)