If your man is “falling away from you”, your touch is not going to bring him back.  He may allow it and even enjoy it.  But it’s not going to make him more attracted to you in a way that will inspire his love.  

Instead, it’s going to send him a message that I’m quite sure you don’t intend on sending:  “If you ignore me and pull back, I will reward you with sensual, sexy, loving touches.”

Don’t reward a man for pulling back or for “being on the fence” about the relationship.  Don’t lean toward him and try to “PULL” him back to you with your touch.  NO woman should be giving a man a foot or back massage if he isn’t totally, 100% committed to the relationship.  That is catering, and catering only encourages him to stay unaccountable.

(If you are married or in a committed relationship with a man who loves you and is accountable to your union, but who has admitted that he needs more touching, I’m NOT talking to you.  In such case, you can touch him all night long!)

The best way to bring an emotionally unavailable man back to you is to sit on those touch-eager hands of yours and do NOTHING.  Wait for him to come to YOU for some intimacy.  

When he comes close to you to be intimate with you, take the opportunity to immediately tell him in a soft, loving tone (with warmth in your heart) that you love him but that you feel insecure and concerned about the status of things.  Talk to him about your feelings and risk that vulnerability, instead of trying to “sell him on you” with your touch.  

Let HIM be the one to “cradle your heart” as the man.  A real man doesn’t need to be coddled and coaxed and caressed into something.  He needs to feel like the protector and provider and that comes from you letting HIM touch YOU, caress YOU, hold YOU and make YOU feel safe!  

Once he shows emotional availability, then touch away!

In Inspire His Love for You, we preach The Pact, which is a complex version of “treat him like you want (and like) to be treated by him.”  We go into detail about how important it is to stay CONSCIOUS of your behavior in your relationship (this will help him learn by your example as the Love Guide in the relationship).  However, we also discuss the real importance of only giving to a man WHEN IT SUITS YOU to do so.  So, for example, if touching a man sets yourself up to feel used or unappreciated afterward, don’t do it.  

We offer LOTS of confidence-building exercises to help women find and speak their inner voice and never settle for less than an emotionally available man with a willingness to make things work.  We also show you how you can get him to warm up and open up to you by explaining how to MAKE ROOM for him to come close.

They are not wrapped up in a man.  See, you can love a man, care DEEPLY for him and really need him in your life, but if you feel like you wouldn’t be OKAY without a certain man (that he would take your whole happiness away with him if he left), then you are going to have a “scary” vibe about you that is not going to sit well with a man.

This vibe is going to make you question everything you say.  It’s going to make you worry about the meanings behind everything he does.  It’s going to make his efforts NEVER enough for you:  a person is never going to permanently fill a void in your life and your heart knows this, so it makes you pull and pull more and more from him.  Your needs become a bottomless pit.

I get emails all the time from women who are upset that a man didn’t invite them to a certain dinner or didn’t ask for more quality time, or were silent too long on the phone concerning a question asked.  These women stress out over the “why” of every little thing.  They stress out so much, they have to write me page-long emails.

WOMEN WITH A CLINGY VIBE feel they can’t just express themselves freely in their relationship.  

They feel “frozen and scared” to speak up to their man (a man THEY ARE GIVING THEIR SACRED, GORGEOUS BODIES TO FOR SEX), and this scared and frozen feeling makes all the anxiety WORSE.  

This scared and frozen feeling makes them believe they are “too much” for the man.  They feel that the feelings of desperate need and deep fear of losing the man, which are whirling around inside them like a chaotic storm, would scare any man off.  And all this fear and anxiety, all this shutting up and keeping feelings hidden, shatters these women’s’ self-esteem!

The best way to change your VIBE around a man is to stop thinking that only a certain person (or relationship… or ONE relationship) can offer you a happy life.  

You have to  start living fully for TODAY.  You have find the miracles and joys present in everyday life and celebrate them NOW.

Go take a stroll… literally walk away from your obsession over him:

Look at the trees and think about all the storms they’ve weathered.  Smell the flowers planted in the park by your house and listen to the rustling breezes.  Open your senses to the world around you.  Even thank the plants around you for the air they provide you or the flowers for their beauty.  

Get more IN TOUCH with the world around you and with your feelings.  If the walk makes you sad, cry.  Feel your feelings and don’t be afraid of the negative ones.  Step into your emotions.  Sometimes we start obsessing over a man as a way of running away from our deep feelings.  In fact, it’s been proven that women with depression have more tendencies toward dramatic, unstable, adrenaline-producing relationships that keep their dopamine and seratonin levels up.

Don’t be afraid of your dark feelings and learn to just “be” with yourself.  Ask yourself this question:

What can I do for myself, free of a man, to feel happier with my life?  What am I missing that I think only this man can provide?

Listen to your inner voice’s answer.  Usually we feel so lonely inside, so disconnected from our bodies, our feelings, our families, our neighbors and friends, that we think that only a man’s love can makes us feel whole again.  We feel like hollow vessels and we don’t want to slow down and feel ourselves, so we do and do for a man, think and worry about him and our relationship, all to avoid “the silence”.

It’s UNFAIR to a man to put this burden on him.  It’s unfair to him to have him have to be around your clingy vibe.  He wants to be with a woman who can enjoy life with him, not who will look to him as the solution to her life pain.  He wants a woman who doesn’t read into everything and has enough confidence and independence to not “freak out” if he decides he wants a night off, for example.      

A clingy vibe is like a rock tied to a man’s ankle, pulling him under water: You can say and do all the “right” things, but if your vibe SCREAMS with need, he will feel heavy around you, like he’s drowning in your presence.

In Inspire His Love for You, we talk about this vibe and how it affects a man’s feelings for you.  We give you exercises and tools to help you stay PRESENT when with a man and how to heal the dark parts of yourself that SHATTER your confidence when a man starts acting “funny”.  See, a confident woman can talk with a man about his issues within a relationship or see that a man is missing certain tools to be in a committed relationship.  She doesn’t put it on herself if he takes space, she just looks for solutions or goes out and finds a man who appreciates her more.  A lack of confidence stops us from being PROACTIVE.  It stops us from sharing ourselves.  It makes us feel everything is OUR fault and it makes us make poor decisions that further affect our self-esteem!

Men actually LOVE providing. They love to hear our needs and supply them. It’s just a question of how you ask and how he feels about you. If you are asking the wrong way, then he will feel annoyed. If he doesn’t love you and you let him treat you second-rate, then he will be annoyed with your needs, because doormats don’t have needs.

There is nothing wrong with needing love, touches, tender words, more together time, even a commitment if the time has come for one. You just have to be clear about what you need and not reward him if he doesn’t provide.

What do I mean by not rewarding him?  You can’t, for example, tell him you miss him and then not hear from him, only to start sending him loving texts when you panic two days later because he hasn’t called. Those texts are a reward for bad behavior. They send him the message; “Treat me poorly, I respond more lovingly when you do.”  A man doesn’t want to be with a woman who comes closer with poor treatment.

If he doesn’t provide, you can’t go to him for reassurance. It’s so hard to ask for something and then not get it.   It makes us feel the gap in the relationship even more and our female instinct is to shorten that gap and cling to him.  But doing this gives him the power, and makes him think it’s okay to treat you like a doormat. You have to let him come to you and make good on his mistake, even if it’s really tough to “sit on your hands” and wait for him to come to you.

Being clear and firm is important to him.  A woman who feels needy to a man is a woman who is too afraid to directly speak her needs and politely and demurely demand accountablility. Her fear stops her from communicating her needs so that he can provide them.  It makes her seem like she is constantly dissatisfied in the relationship and that his actions are never enough for her.  

Not being clear and firm about your needs ALSO stops you from respecting HIS needs.  For example, a needy woman who is afraid to be clear about her needs may hold everything inside and act overly chirper and nice, inviting the man out places and offering to help him with things, etc., even though he has stated or implied that he wants space. This feels weird to him and can even appear pshyco (think Jessica Walter in the beginning of Play Misty for Me).

In a relationship, when asking to get your needs met, you MUST need to stick to your personal boundaries.  For example, you don’t tell a man you need sexual exclusivity and then sleep with him anyway.  Love yourself ENOUGH to actually take care of your REAL needs like those of sexual exclusivity and male respect.

Don’t confuse neediness with needing things. You want him to know that you aren’t a doormat and that you have serious needs in a relationship that must be met. He will find this very attractive if you state your needs without seeming like a demanding, huffy diva or a weakling who is afraid of speaking up.

If he can see that you are a sweet, fun, loving, smart and sexy gal who is on a path to commitment and will settle for little else, he will treat you like a goddess and never call you needy. He will call you classy, wife-material.  He will feel honored to service your requests,… or he will respect you enough to not use you for sex or female companionship. 

In my eProgram for women, Inspire His Love for You, I help women discover their deep emotional needs in a relationship and I give them the tools to feel more confident about sharing those needs with men.  I also offer a step-by-step guide to follow when approaching tough talks with a man, like the Commitment Chat.

Kristina & Sarah,

Hi.  I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am to have just bought your program.  My circumstance is very common, I think.  I am freaking out and reading into everything that my boyfriend is saying and doing.

Six months ago I moved two states away from him.  When I left we made no plans for the future together.  He said that he didn’t know how we would work out.  I told him I would stay if he was sure of me, but he said it was too soon to know.

We have been together for three years.  I think that “too soon” is a cop-out.  

I moved, and since then , we are not talking that much on the phone and every time he doesn’t answer his phone, I assume he just doesn’t want to talk to me.  He never calls me back right away and keeps his calls short.

The thing is that when I talk about my feelings and breaking things off, he says no.  He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.  But we speak only like 3 times a week and haven’t seen each other in 2 months.

My family says I should just break it off, but I don’t want to do that.  I love him and would move back to be with him but my job is good and he doesn’t seem to want to commit.

Should I move on?  How do I stop reading into everything?  Sometimes he says I’m nutty for assuming so many things, but I can’t help it.  I’m tired of feeling insecure and confused and I hope your program helps me win him back.

Thanks,

Claudia

Our Response:

Claudia,

Our hearts go out to you right now.  Long distance love is hard.  Kristina did a 1 1/2 year long distance relationship and it was very trying on her heart and patience.

The problem we both see here is that your man has not made any attempt to commit and we both think you are right about 3 years being enough time to know.  Some men know in 6 months that a woman is for them.

We are happy that you moved away and didn’t wait around for this man to define your life.

We know how crazy not knowing can make a person feel.  Suddenly, every text he sends is reread and reread for hidden meanings.  It’s best you don’t continue reading into things.  It’s time for you, instead, to talk with him.

It sounds like you both have talked but maybe not in an effective way.  Our program will take you through the tough talk toolbox to prep for the talk.  The important thing to keep in mind is that your feelings are valid and that you have a right to look after your needs.  You can be polite, open, loving and sweet, but you also have to be direct, honest and firm.

Don’t let him guilt-trip you for moving or make you think you are crazy for being so worried and needy.  You have a right to feel stressed, you haven’t seen him in months and he is telling you he dones’t want to break up.  It’s maddening.

Just state your feelings and let HIM come up with the solution.  If he has no solution, then you back off from the relationship.

You can take his calls, have him stay with you (if he asks to visit and he buys his ticket), you can respond to his emails.  You can’t, however initiate contact or invitations to visit you.  You, instead, have to be clear with him that you are going to casually date other men until he is ready to commit.  You aren’t going to have sex with these men, you are just getting out there again.

And then do that.  Meet new people in your new home state.  Get nestled in and every time you want to reach out to your man like he’s some familiar security blanket, find new security blankets in your new location (new friends, new gelato shops and bookstores).

If he loves you and wants you as his life-partner, he will pick up the pieces where you left off.  Right now, it’s easy for him to have you there waiting around.  Make him think that you are too great to wait.  Because you are!

All Our Inspiration,

Kristina & Sarah

Well, assuming most all children love cupcakes (men love sex), you have to take into consideration the relationship that you have with the child.

If it’s your child, then she loves you and will probably feel so honored to be receiving a cupcake, because it will feel like a gift of love.

If it’s not your child and you have a casual relationship, she may be very pleased and grateful to get a yummy treat from you, but it isn’t going to make her love you anymore than she does now.

Cupcakes alone don’t make a child love you and sex alone doesn’t make a man love you.

If you are married and want your husband’s affections, then show more excitement in the bedroom.  Husbands love and need that.  (Sex is a way of expressing love to men in committed relationships).

If you have a boyfriend who is crazy about you, do the same.

If you have a boyfriend who seems like he’s drifting away from you, you need to communicate about the relationship, not just get tarted up in some lingerie and hope that brings him back.  He could be feeling like other areas besides the sex are the problem, and if that’s true, sex with you will make him feel even more guilty and unsure.

If you are sleeping with a man who has not given you sexual exclusivity, than no amount of sex is going to make him love you.  In fact, the opposite is more likely.  If you can put your foot down and your boundaries up, and tell the man you love that he ain’t gettin’ the milk for free no more and needs to buy the cow, then you may make him feel like your price tag went up.  This will make you more desirable.  And if he just walks out the door because no-strings sex has become “stringy”, then all the better that he left!

Inspire His Love for You has a whole section dedicated to hot sex and being a wonderful lover.  The program also has sections dedicated to raising your standards of what you will and won’t accept from a man and how to lovingly (and EFFECTIVELY) communicate what you need and want from him.

All Our Inspiration,

Kristina & Sarah

Ladies,

I’ve been seeing a guy for 5 months and I think I’m in love with him.  He is kind and loving with my kid, but recently he has backed off.

Every time I talk about a future together, he goes quiet or changes the subject.

He does buy me gifts and calls me ‘sexy’ all the time but he never wants to do more than hang out at his place or mine and have sex.

 I called him last week to invite him to a friend’s gallery opening and he never got back to me.

Is he just using me?

Nadine

Our response:

Nadine, I can tell you are quite crazy about this man and we both know the feeling.  It can feel pretty scary to like a man so much and feel like his option.

And that’s what you are right now—his option.

He isn’t calling you back.  He isn’t making plans with you and he isn’t giving you any reassurance about his intentions with you.

It’s best that you change your strategy with him because you are a goddess, not a doormat!

Frist, you have to stop calling him and making plans.  That’s what we call “filling in the spaces” where a man has gone lax.  It makes you less attractive.  A man needs to feel like he has to work hard to keep you around (his reward being your soft, warm fun, challenging, feminine soul in his life).  He doesn’t want to feel like he is being force-feed.

You should never fight for a man more than he fights for you!  That’s a rule to follow and it will always keep you feeling good about your choices with men.

Second, you have to wait until he contacts you and then you have to tell him how you feel. So many times when a man calls after a long while or after ignoring our call for a few days, we feel so LUCKY that he has called back at all. We put up the phone, sounding cheery and laughing a lot.  But what we are indirectly telling him is that it’s okay not to call us.  We don’t mind at all if you choose to treat us less than acceptable.

You deserve a man who always calls back, at the very LEAST!

So, tell him how you feel about what happened, “I feel hurt and I felt ignored.”  That’s a good place to start and then listen to his response.  If he loves you, he will make it all better.  If he doesn’t, he’ll treat you like a nagging, clingy burden… which you AREN’T.

Third, you need to be honest with yourself about whether you think this relationship is an actual relationship or if it’s a “sleeping arrangement”.  If it’s a sex with a friend thing for him, then no amount of great sex will bring him closer.  If he does love you but has been scared, he will pick up the reins and get with the program when he sees that you aren’t calling anymore and that you are sharing your hurt feelings with him.  He will see that you are a great gal who is WORTH a knight in shining armor, not a sex buddy.

Read the articles on this site and look into purchasing Inspire His Love for You.  The program will help a lot to get you giving the kind of love you want to receive from a man, while also sticking to your personal boundaries.

Kristina & Sarah

For a long time (during my marriage and while dating afterward) I was like an icepick around men.  I felt so insecure and sensitive inside that I hardened myself up as a protection against being hurt.  I was stiff, quiet, awkward, had a chip on my shoulder, and felt very uncomfortable receiving sexual attention.

The worst part was that I didn’t even know I was coming across this way.  I felt so soft inside, so vulnerable, that I never thought I came across to men like some uppity ball buster.  I just thought that men were jerks and so insecure about their manhood that they couldn’t handle a woman of my caliber.  The truth, however, was that I was pushing good men away with insecurities and emotional walls.

What helped me stay blind was the fact that I was successful in other areas of my life.  I had great girl friends who always told me I was so kind and funny.  I was successful at my job and my co-workers all liked me and marveled at my intelligence.  But with men, I was a failure.

I hadn’t yet learned how to feel secure in my skin as a sexy, desirable, lovable woman.  I THOUGHT I was.  I even threw my weight around and told men how amazing I was, but inside I knew that my “confidence” was just a rouse.  I was puffing myself up like a puffer fish but it was all just “air”.

The truth was that I would do anything for men, and my desperation wasn’t attractive.  

Once a man got past my hard exterior, he had me and not in a romantic sense.  I ended up being a service girl to men– breaking my back to “fill in the spaces” where they slacked off in the relationship.  I was planning all the dates, calling more than them, crying and making scenes about their lack of investment, performing sexually instead of enjoying sex.

Once a man had my heart, I no longer had personal boundaries and self-esteem.  I was just working hard to keep him at the expense of my own self-worth.  I soon hated myself and who I became, but I couldn’t stop.  These men were like drugs– keeping me chasing the high that they made me feel.

And this high made me LIE to myself.  I told myself that these men were my soul mates, that they did love me and would come around.  I told myself that I was their angel, their savior and they needed me to experience REAL love.

There I was each time, living an illusion of a relationship.  Even all of my friends would become tired of hearing about these unavailable men over and over again, but in my head, each and every one, at different times in my life, were my soul mates.  I knew that if I just loved them enough, they would surrender to me, like I had them.

This never happened.

Why Pretending Confidence Doesn’t Work

Quality men can feel the difference between a brittle woman who has something to prove to men about her worth and a soft, sensual woman who doesn’t have a thing to prove.  The first woman gives off a competitive vibe with men that is off-putting and feels “dangerous”, while the other type of woman invites men to fall in love with her by being emotionally available and easy to be with.

Men who fall for the brittle icepick woman, the one I used to be, are men with commitment issues.  These are men who like the challenge of a hard-to-open-up woman.  They like the attention and power it gives them to “break” these women and make them go from brittle bitches to childlike messes who will do anything for their man’s love, even if it goes against personal boundaries.

So, if you want a good man who enjoys intimacy and who works hard for your love, you can’t be the brittle woman.  You can’t be a hard-ass who melts into a low-confidence puddle of mush and lets emotionally unavailable, unaccountable men walk all over her.

How to Be a More Feminine, Confident Woman

The key to being the soft, open and warm woman who invites caliber men into her world and gets treated like a goddess is…  to have soul-fulfilling passions outside of men.

I used to be successful, fun to be around, kind and silly with my friends and family, but the truth was that it all was not enough.  I still felt hollow inside and alone in a way that only could be healed by a man’s love.  I romanticized relationships and dreamed about my fantasy man all the time.

This left me chasing love all the time, instead of realizing that love was as simple, slow, gentle and kind as my lazy Saturday afternoons with my girl friends.  I was always looking for that all-passion, all-excitement, all-whirlwind romance “high”.  However, that high was an ideal that didn’t last for long in a relationship.  I loved the “in love” feeling and not the real deal, and the only way to remain “high” was to find men that never would give me the real deal.

So go out and build your confidence around men by dating a bunch of men (or flirt a lot if you are in a relationship), and also find 2-3 things outside of men that make you happy to be alive.  Find ways to soften your exterior, by not making men your world.  This will draw him in so much faster than you breaking your back to bring him close.  Your low-confidence is a turn off and it’s a bad-man-magnet.

For more information about how to make HIM addicted by boosting your confidence and inspire men to love you the right way, check out our program Inspire His Love for You by clicking here.

Well, it probably will work– with most men and for a short while. The problem is that it won’t work in the long run with mature men who know that quality women are REAL people.

When you act like you are busier than you are and more ‘chipper’ than usual, your truth will eventually come out. Then, when it does, you will be stuck with a man who liked you when you were playing games with him: an immature man who goes for women who aren’t real people with real issues. In order to keep him around, you will have to continue your charade.

What if you could play YOU all the time and never have to play a game with a man? What if you had an air about you that made you hopelessly attractive, even when telling men you have no pre-made plans for the entire week and that you’ve been feeling rather “down” lately?

Here are 3 words to keep in mind when you want to date a man without playing a card that goes against who you are and what you are all about:

1. OWNERSHIP

Once I dated a guy who was average-looking, had a really dirty home and didn’t make hardly any money. I was totally hooked on this man. Why? He made absolutely no apologies for who he was– he ‘owned’ every one of his flaws, effortlessly. His lack of insecurities made him funny, kind, attentive… He had the sexiest walk and was a fabulous lover. He could enter a strange room and make friends in a heartbeat. I actually dumped him because he had too many women on his speed dial.

I asked him how he had so much confidence and he laughed; “Why? Because I’m not a George Clooney? I’m me and I don’t make enough dough to get doctors to turn me into a Clooney, so I don’t worry about it. I love women and I love laughter and I’m not going to put that on the back burner because I don’t fill out a wife beater like a wife beater!”

When you can say to yourself, “Look, I’m not the perfect person. I’d rather stay home on a Friday night and I’m a bit sensitive and distrusting, which are areas of myself that I am working on, but I know that I’m also a loving, funny and caring person and any guy worth while would see that”, you will begin to OWN your faults and strengths.

Ownership of the areas of yourself you think are flawed is SELF-ACCEPTANCE and there is nothing more attractive than self-acceptance because it equals confidence!

2. HONESTY

When you own up to who you are, you begin to feel more comfortable speaking the truth about how someone or something makes you feel. I used to have such a hard time telling men that certain things they did were upsetting to me. I didn’t want to sound like a clingy girlfriend by getting pissed when a guy waited 3 days after a date to call, or when a man hadn’t said “I love you” after six months of dating.

These needs were important to me and just because I didn’t want to feel bothered by them, I still was. I’d start to wall myself off to these men and ended up having a disharmonious vibe around men where my feelings didn’t match my outside persona. Men can pick up on this vibe fast and it’s not attractive.

So, what do you do? You tell the truth– always. You just say, “I feel upset that you waited three days to call me. It’s something that bothers me because it make me feel insecure and I don’t want to feel insecure.”

And then you don’t say another word. You don’t blame him, you don’t apologize for your feelings, you don’t ask for reassurance, you just speak the truth and OWN your feelings.

Men will be impressed and won’t know exactly how to react. And if your man doesn’t fix the issue by apologizing and inquiring about what he can do to make better on his wounding, DON’T get further upset. Just tell him you wanted to be honest and weren’t illiciting a response. After speaking your feelings over a longer period of time, you will see whether this man is interested in hearing your needs or not.

3. UNDERSTANDING

I think a lot more women would stop trying to be Perfect Patty with men if they knew their dates’ thoughts and feelings. Men are human and that makes them sensitive, flawed, insecure and needy too! In fact, the biggest players out there are very AFRAID of women and closeness.

When you can stop for a moment and step back from your critical and scared inner voices and think about a man’s own issues with himself, you will be more likely to warm up to him.

I always tell women to look at men like they are little boys. When you are on a date, look at the grown man in front of you and imagine what he was like as a boy. Do you think he was shy? A bully? The dorky kid whose mom always packed him the smelly lunch?

When you can stop idolizing a man and start seeing his human imperfections, you will let your guard down more and will have less of a problem showing him that you do care about him and aren’t playing hard to get.

There’s a big difference between playing hard to get and being a woman who is honest about her needs in a relationship. 

You should be easy to get but easy to lose, too! Allow every man to start with an A and let them earn their F, instead of the other way around. Let him see that you think he is nice, funny, and sexy. Let him know that he is someone that could really matter to you and then when he acts up, tell him exactly how his behavior makes you feel without blaming him.

If he doesn’t shape up, then you think about being hard to get… permanently! 

Inspire His Love for You:

*Exposes you to your deep-rooted fears & helps you soothe them

*Gives you new tools to have more confidence!

*Shows you how to step-by-step talk with a man

*Teaches you how to own all your weakness and share them with him,

* Opens your heart to make him feel safe and encouraged to come closer!

Any couple that has a successful relationship will tell you that KEEPING a relationship takes invested work; however, EARNING the love of a man is not the kind of work you should EVER be invested in.

To elaborate, let me start with a little interactive fable.

Say a little elf shows up on your doorstep one morning, knocking on the door and calling your name to come outside. Imagine you open the door and look down, only to find him standing there, adorable as can be, holding a beautiful diamond necklace in his little pudgy hands.

Imagine, then, that he holds the necklace out, offering it to you. You may be hesitant to take it, wondering why he is giving you such a gift and even thinking that it’s a trick or a manipulation. But he assures you that he’s only giving it to you because he thinks you’re special and wants you to have it. You would probably take it, right? I would.

Now, say he comes back the next day, this time dragging a mop and a broom. He tells you he wants to come in and clean your house, free of charge. Would you let him? Maybe, if he seems trustworthy and if you have some time to burn so you can supervise him in your house.

Imagine he comes back EVERY morning for two weeks, bringing different gifts and offering different services. Imagine you begin to really appreciate him, trust him, and enjoy having him and his acts of love around you.

Now let’s imagine that one morning after he’s been working hard buffing your dirty floors, he asks for a backrub. You look at his bony back covered in warty elf skin and you decide it’s something you’d rather not do. So you say no.

Imagine he looks up at you with his sad little beady eyes and begins to cry, telling you that he’s worked so hard for you for weeks and can’t believe you would be selfish enough to deny him what he needs. You explain that you don’t want to give him the backrub, and he gets increasingly angrier and more desperate. Say, even, that he starts screaming at you.

You start to feel angry too, because he’s asking something of you that you are unwilling to provide. You eventually kick him out of your home, possibly even feeling guilty. After all, he was right in a way—he did do all those nice things for you.

Now…

Imagine he comes around the next morning with a smile and another necklace. You warily open the door, most likely because you feel bad, and he offers up the necklace, pretending nothing happened the day before.

You refuse the necklace and close the door on him.

How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel like you owed it to the elf to rub his back? Even if you had been polite and generous enough to rub his back once, you probably would have stopped opening the door for him in the future, because you’d realize his efforts weren’t really “free.”

Well, you can probably see where I’m going with this story. If a man isn’t interested in and attracted to you (if he doesn’t care to “rub your back”), it doesn’t matter how hard you try to win him over.

He may take your gifts of love, and he may even begin to come to rely on you and your good deeds in his life, but that doesn’t mean he is going to feel “in love” with you or find you attractive. It also doesn’t mean he’s not going to leave you when he finds another woman who drives him crazy with love and lust.

What if he only wants you around when you are offering him something? And what if, when you need something like a backrub from him, he secretly cringes inside? Would that feel good?

It becomes about him and HIS needs and HIS happiness. What about your own needs and happiness? I mean, can you blame the poor elf in the story for having an emotional outburst over a denied backrub? Yes, he presented all his gifts free of charge, but it must have hurt when you refused him a little attention, especially after all that work.

At the same time, you can’t blame yourself for refusing, because he did, in fact, OFFER his gifts and services. The same goes for a man—you can’t blame a man for not wanting to commit to you or not loving you. He may be too greedy for his britches, but that doesn’t make him a liar or a bad person for not wanting to be with you forever.

Plus, when you make a man’s happiness the center of your purpose for living, you stop worrying about your health. You may tell yourself and others that you are happiest when he is happy, that doing for him is all you need to feel content, but regardless of the loving feelings racing through your heart, you still have needs: you still have an “aching back.” And what if he’s not 100% there, willing, and eager to rub it?!

Think twice before you start working to earn your way into a man’s life. If he isn’t feeling enough passion towillingly and eagerly give you the key to his heart, he could technically shut the door on your sad little elfin face at any moment.

The REAL key to a man’s heart lies in his attraction for you, and that’s not something you will ever earn through good deeds and expensive gifts. It lies in chemistry and in emotional connection. He needs to feel that you are a safe place for him to reveal his vulnerability, and that’s not something you earn by doing anything.

Earning a man’s love is about standing still and calm, opening your heart to invite him closer, and remaining emotionally available to RECEIVE his company and love. The way into a man’s heart is to SIT ON YOUR HANDS and let HIM be the elf in your relationship.

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Unfortunately, when life makes lemons, we usually end up squeezing them over the heads of the people closest to us, especially our spouses. Taking stress out on our children leaves us feeling guilty and inadequate as parents, but taking out frustration out on your spouse or dumping anxiety or sadness on him or her seems to come with the territory.

However, the emotional connection between two romantic partners is like a delicate braid of silk thread—easily broken and too fine for quick repair.

Though not the least bit durable, the “silk braid” of intimacy IS extremely powerful. Couples who share a respectful and openly honest emotional bond can survive A LOT of relationship hardships and are healthier and happier as individuals than those who remain single or stuck in damaged relationships.

Gentle, kind, and soulful intimacy makes you feel safe from the harsh judgments, criticisms, and rejections in everyday life, because despite what society tells you about yourself on bad days, you have someone who deeply loves and accepts you for all that you are.

Intimacy also makes us feel less alone; caresses and the tender affection of a loving whisper or quiet-time smile can melt away the hollowness inside our sometimes dark and depleted souls.

To feel the power in a deep, intimate connection is to feel SEEN, HEARD, and UNDERSTOOD at the heart of who we are. It can even help us get to know our own selves better, feeling that the one we love has a special, potent power to harness and bring to the surface something inside us that we never knew existed. Intimate partners have shown me my self-belief as a writer, a beautiful woman, and a caring, feminine lover.

In fact, I believe breakups are so incredibly tough because not only do we miss our ex’s touch, laughter, words of support, etc., but we actually feel they are going to take with them all the self-belief their words and caresses instilled in us.

They say someone cannot take away your essence and can only take from you what they gave you, but that’s not a comforting thought if the incredible gift they gave you was a better feeling in your gut when you looked in the mirror every morning.

Here are three simple but very effective things you can do every week to build intimacy and keep it alive inside your marriage or partnership:

First Thing You Can Do Every Week to Fertilize Intimacy in Your Marriage: Buff It Out Together!

If you can make a point to set aside one or two hours of quality time where you both are completely naked, you’ll be impressed with how fast the rough and sharp edges of your relationship dynamic will smooth out and soften.

When we are naked, we’re not only physically vulnerable to temperatures and textures, but emotionally vulnerable to the people around us. When naked, we are more likely to touch our significant other, and we are more likely to touch him with DEEP TENDERNESS. We are also more aware of HIS touch on our exposed skin. Skin-on-skin contact during nonsexual moments feels comforting and soothing.

You can watch a romantic movie together in the nude, or slice some cheese, pop open a bottle of wine, and have a naked bedroom-floor picnic. It’s wonderful to steep in a bubble bath together; bathing each other is a beautiful form of connection. Washing the body of the one you love is symbolic of your role in his life—to take care of him and cleanse him of life’s impurities. It also feels good to be pampered that way.

When my man bathes me, it reminds me of a moment when a butterfly came and landed on my resting hand in a busy park. Of all the people it could have chosen, of all the things it could have been doing, it chose to rest, so beautifully and delicately, on my skin, as if I was special and worth the loving attention.

When you both are naked, make it a point not to rush into sex. For a man, this will be harder. You may want to make love for a bit and stop before his ejaculation to continue taking time “just being” together before you both orgasm.

Second Thing You Can Do Every Week to Fertilize Intimacy in Your Marriage: Praise Each Other’s Names.

Begin making a point of saying good things about your spouse to others (in his presence or not), and STOP saying ANYTHING NEGATIVE about him to others. If you do this, you will begin to feel your heart slowly welling up with a deep need to be closer to your spouse.

More often than not, our critical thoughts and words about a loved one are not only retaliations, but also intimacy blockers. Not only do we feel rejected and insulted when our mates are less than perfect toward us, we also feel wary of getting any closer to this “imperfect lover” who has injured us. We become fearful of further wounding, and we end up criticizing our men to keep ourselves angry with them. This anger is a warning and reminder to our hearts to maintain emotional distance.

The use of criticism to keep a spouse emotionally at bay is especially evident when we find his little quirks or routine behaviors extremely irritating. Chances are, your husband’s burping or toenail picking is not the real reason you want to strangle him. You are probably using these less-than-refined traits as an excuse to remain at a distance from him emotionally, either because he has hurt you in the past or because you have trust issues in general.

Next time you are around friends or coworkers and you are tempted to bond with them over the unpleasant or neglectful qualities of husbands, stop yourself completely. Try not to even listen to their bashing remarks about their own mates, and instead find one or two opportunities that week to bring up your husband in conversation and praise his name.

If you need to vent, call a professional—someone who can help guide your negative feelings BACK TO a positive light.

You should also be mindful of the way you talk about your husband to his face. Try to flatter him. You don’t even need to use words to communicate compliments—just grab his face and plant one on his smacker in moments when you feel blessed to have him in your life. He’ll pick up on your gratitude.

Naturally, he’ll also be very appreciative if you refrain from personal slandering during spats.

Third Thing You Can Do Every Week to Fertilize Intimacy in Your Marriage: See the Soul of the Other and Let It Lead Your Behavior in the Relationship.

Take a moment right now to think about your husband’s beautiful emotional fragility. Even if he’s a tough guy and nothing “gets to him,” imagine the delicate soul behind his person.

Imagine a soul filled with childhood moments when he was too small to exit his crib or too afraid to talk back to bullies on the playground. Think back to those times his mom mentioned, in passing, how adorable he was as a little boy. Or think about the vulnerability he reveals now—the tear that fell from his eye at his friend’s funeral or the time you caught him sharing baby talk with your child.

Now…

Every time you interact with your spouse, imagine that all your words and actions come into direct contact with the soft, sensitive kid-glove of his tender soul. If you knew how deeply your harsh tongue can lash or how truly shunning it feels to him when you give him a premenstrual eye-roll and a stress-dumping huff, would you still do it?

We are all fragile creatures who are capable of so much love and needful of the same amount of love back. Be kind, patient, calm, and attentive to him. Even though his soul is buried under heaps of man-pride and thick, suffocating calluses born of life experience, he is not shatter-resistant. Treat him like a delicate rose—mindfully and with appreciation.

Don’t “overwater” him by babying or smothering him; just respect him like a beautiful blessing of life that demands awe and honor.

And when HE acts poorly, try to tell him how his ill treatment makes your tender soul feel. Talk to him from a “soul place,” as if the vulnerable child in your soul is speaking ON BEHALF of your adult self to him directly. Make your tone and words less about blame and more about exposing your feelings, with the purpose of giving him the chance to make up for his behavior.

If you can do these three things, your connection will strengthen. It will be hard at times, but don’t wait for him to agree to do these things for you before you do them for him, or expect him to give an inch for every inch you give. Just trust and do these things for him because you love him unconditionally and you value the “silk braid” of your relationship.

You can read this article to him and tell him you are going to do these things, hoping that he will participate in at least the naked quality time (most men don’t seem to have a problem with this—that’s a shocker, right?). Make sure to tell him that your intentions are for HIM and that you hope nothing more than for him to feel your efforts in his heart.

See, our biggest rewards come from selfless motives. When you tread gently and carefully through a garden, tending the seeds, admiring the beauty of nature, and asking nothing directly in return, the blossoms will open and reward you plentifully.

I don’t care how macho he is—your husband’s heart is a timid blossom, waiting and hoping for your soft, sweet feminine care to give it the courage and guidance it needs to bloom with intimate love for you.

Strengthen your marriage and build emotional intimacy with him, starting tonight!

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