I believe that learning to create emotional intimacy with your man is the MAIN lesson of a love relationship. It will keep him invested long-term. Most older women can’t compete with 25-year-olds and 30-somethings sauntering through their husbands’ work spaces in miniskirts and push-up bras, but the wise older wives have something much more significant than toned bodies and flawless skin: they have years’ worth of happy marital memories, which have enhanced their ability to hold their husbands’ hearts in their hands and keep their men coming home every night emotionally fulfilled!
Here are two ways to create a deep bond between you and your man and KEEP him from ever wandering, temporarily or permanently.
First Way to Bring Him Closer: Open Him Up
Your man has to feel COMFORTABLE CONFIDING in you (revealing confessions, secrets, fears, etc.).
In a world where most men feel they have to act tough just to make it through the day at work or survive a night of beer and football with the guys, they really need a place where they can be vulnerable.
As a woman, you should be the one who creates that vulnerability-inviting space for him. You should create a place for him to take off his “man mask” and just be himself and SHARE himself.
We all know that men are not like most women in the way we talk at length about our problems and speak directly about our feelings, but they do need an outlet for their built-up stress and negative feelings. A woman who can create that outlet is essential to her man’s happiness and emotional health.
So, how do you become a safe place for your man?
You make him YOUR safe place first. This includes two steps:
- You risk vulnerability with him and share with him your feelings, secrets, fears, etc. Basically, you reveal your underbelly to him.
- You allow him to comfort you in these moments like he is your hero.
Now, sharing your raw truths with him doesn’t mean you become a complainer and a whiner. It means you share your negative feelings, thoughts, and experiences with him in order to bring you both closer together.
Examples of what I mean:
A COMPLAINER comes home, drops her purse on the counter, and storms around the kitchen bitching about a coworker while her husband happens to be reading a book quietly at the kitchen table.
A REVEALER comes home, kisses her husband on the cheek, sits down next to him, and while touching him lovingly, says, “I know you’re reading that book you just bought, but I need my loving husband’s ear for a minute. What do you think about that?”
A WHINER takes an intimate moment with her boyfriend (say, pillow talk) and uses it to go on and on about her feelings around a subject, dumping all her anxiety onto her man and making him feel more like a sounding board than a person. This whiner could still be sweet, loving, and gentle with her words, but if she talks AT him instead of WITH him, she is treating him like a dumpster.
A REVEALER uses this intimate moment to speak about her feelings and thoughts while constantly checking in to see if her words are landing with him. She knows when she is overwhelming him with her negativity and can stop herself without feeling resentful that he isn’t continuing to listen well.
COMPLAINERS and WHINERS usually allow their men to comfort them, but they don’t SNAP out of their problems easily. They SUCK validation, affection, and comfort instead of APPRECIATING IT and HONORING HIS EFFORTS with genuine thanks and playful “You always know what to say” kisses and hugs.
Receiving a man’s comfort is important. Surrendering to his hugs, kisses, and soothing words is essential. And even MORE essential is accepting his comfort graciously and with sensitivity to his ego, even if it doesn’t feel comforting.
Once you start revealing your underbelly to him and allowing him to comfort you, he will start to open up about his feelings, fears, secrets, needs, etc.
Don’t talk over him or try to fix his problems by acting like his therapist. Don’t half-listen because your sister’s on the other line.
Be mindful, and in a way that INVITES him to feel safe and HEARD in your presence.
Second Way to Bring Him Closer: Don’t Fight Dirty
Now that your man has opened up and shared parts of himself with you, guess what happens with a lot of women? They take these revelations and throw them back in their men’s faces in moments of heated argument.
“That’s why you think your boss thinks you’re weak!”
“No wonder you are afraid of feeling like a failure!”
“Maybe you are acting like that because your father was abusive, like you told me he was.”
When we women see red, we want to WIN a fight and feel like our feelings are valid. They ALREADY ARE valid. All your feelings are valid. Nothing he says or does is going to negate your feelings. You are entitled to them, and that’s all you need to know.
If you want your man to HEAR your feelings, SEE your hurt, and UNDERSTAND your pain, speak to him like he is someone YOU HEAR, SEE, and UNDERSTAND.
This will create emotional connection and will bring him emotionally close to you. He will realize that you are able to HONOR his PERSON and his FEELINGS despite your own negative feelings. He will then start doing the same for you. That’s how healthy men work. They want nothing more than to HOLD your feelings, even when you are upset. They just don’t want to get burned for it.
If you can bring your feelings about him to him in a SAFE environment that invites closeness and positive change, he will break his back trying to honor your feelings and wishes, even if he has to make sacrifices for your happiness. He really wants to take care of your emotional needs. It feels manly for him.
Stay tuned for the second part of this article where I get into how important it is to touch a man at the right moments and in the right way. I’ll get into depth about the kind of caress you need to give him to help him open up to you emotionally.
Ms. Jeanette and my Inspire His Love For You program is full of information and exercises to help you create emotional intimacy with your man.